I Am Not Losing My Faith, I Am Losing My Church!

 

I have been a member of my church for the last 40+ years.  Thru many changes (new buildings, new priests, new way of celebrating Mass, etc.),  I have always felt that it was the place for me to be close to God.  It has always been the place to go when I need comfort or answers to questions or just to vent my displeasure at something or someone.  However, something has changed my feelings about my church.  At first, I thought it was because we had a new pastor assigned to us.  I really liked our old priest and was not happy about the change but I was willing to give the new one the benefit of the doubt.  Yet I still did not feel comfortable.  I thought maybe I should change when I go to Mass perhaps always going on Saturdays was getting into too much of a rut, so we started going on Sunday mornings.  Still there was that feeling of "what am I doing here?"  One weekday afternoon, I went to Church to pray during Eucharistic Adoration and I found my prayers focused on trying to understand what was happening to me and the environment of my church.  It wasn't until I left church and got in my car that it came to me.  I did not feel welcome there.  I was happy to be in my car and leaving the building.  The feeling was like when you are invited to someone's house and the whole time you are there, you want to leave because you feel as if you don't belong there in the first place.  I did not feel welcome in my church.  I have to admit that I sat there and cried in my car for almost 30 minutes, mourning the loss of a place that had been a part of my life for 40+ years.  My two sons were baptized there, received their sacraments there and had become a place of comfort for my husband and I.  Don't get me wrong, I have NOT lost my faith in God.  If anything, my faith is stronger because of this dilemma.  My husband and I went to other churches in the area but none of them gave me that "welcome home" feeling.  So now on Sundays, I find a quiet place (a room in the house or the backyard deck or a sunny spot in the woods) for a couple of hours and read my Bible, pray and converse with God.  I know that one day, I will feel welcome again in church but for now, I am content to be welcomed anywhere I am with my God.